As a grown woman who seemingly always finds chaos one way or another I also have quite a bit of security. My biggest security blanket is that I know the Lord goes before me in everything I do. I know he’s got my best interest at heart and at the core he does all things well. It’s amazing and freeing security I must say. However, this security did not come easily and I still struggle remembering it daily. Yet, somehow at the end of the day it wins out.
My oldest daughter is almost four. My husband and I are doing our best to raise them knowing they have a God who loves them no matter what. That his grace reaches much farther than our shortcomings. However, thinking my 3-year-old can grasp that fully is ridiculous and a bit naïve on my part.
However, my daughter deserves that kind of security. She deserves to feel safe in her next move even if it’s not the right one. You hear me on that one? I don’t want my daughter to feel like she has to make the right choices in order to have a happy ending. That’s not how life works and frankly that’s not how God works.
So here are a few things we do to help our daughters feel secure:
1) We let them in on the plan
I run through our day in the morning. My daughter can tell you her day through event sequence. I especially highlight the ones I KNOW will throw her off and will give her a day notice if it’s coming. Example: Bug’s room was getting out of hand and it had to be cleaned. Not by me of course. I’m not that mom, bless you if you are. I can barely keep my own room clean, much less the rest of the house. Ha! I digress, I knew it would take the whole afternoon so I told her a few days before and got her ready the night before. You know what that child said to me when I picked her up from school? “You remember mommy, I have to clean my room.” Yes, girl, yes. We settled in and after a few one step directions, her room was clean without me picking up anything. It was a glorious parenting moment that I’m sure I’ll never relive again.
2) We let her know she has choices
Funny right? I’m talking about having security and giving my three-year old choices does not sound like security. Hear me out. A part of feeling secure is safety. Knowing you have control over at least yourself gives you a sense of safety. Meaning even in the middle of chaos, there is one thing that I KNOW I control. Bug has zero control over anyone else or anything else other than herself. I didn’t realize this until my adult life because who’s more self-centered than a teenage Annalisa? The answer is Annalisa’s three year old daughter if you were wondering. It bit me in the bottom a ton and in most cases made me feel completely lost or broken. I know she’ll learn as she gets older but if I can teach her that the only person she can control is herself, maybe, just maybe, she’ll find enough security in that to feel safe even in some really dark times. It also gives accountability but that’s another post.
3) We let her make mistakes
We all make mistakes. That’s nothing new. However, it’s new to my three-year old sometimes. I firmly believe letting kids make their own mistakes has a huge role in growing up well-rounded as well as letting them figuring out their own mistakes, yet again, another time. The best laid plans are bound to get messed up in one way or another. Knowing you have control over yourself allows you to roll with those mistakes and game plan around them. It is a wonderful thing. My daughter continuously learns the hard way and we have to roll with them and keep our day going. If she never experiences these mistakes, she will never have security in chaos or change. So we let her make mistakes. So she can learn how to control herself enough to keep moving forward. Y’all, I have to grab a hold of my patience on this one. I’d like nothing more than to save the crying fit and prevent the mistake from happening but that’s a band-aid in the long run.
4) We try to model security in ourselves
Ok y’all. This is the most important one to me and the absolute hardest to follow through with consistently. It’s so important for my kiddo to see me handle mistakes in a normal and healthy way. It’s important for her to see me have control over myself and react accordingly. Anyone who think that moms have control over anyone other than themselves, please come to my house and watch my toddler straight up not listen to me 95% of the time. I only have control over myself. I state that out loud sometimes so she hears me. I do my best to show her my mistakes and roll with them. Whenever a plan doesn’t go accordingly I’ll say, “Its ok _____ happened, we’ll just do ____” Seriously that’s my go to sentence frame in the middle of changed plans. It’s also become my daughter’s favorite phrase when she makes a mistake.
God has an abundant amount of grace for us and allows us to make our own choices. It’s a beautiful thing and comes with an overwhelming sense of security. If my kids can see that in their own parents, my hope is that they’ll remember that one day when they make a big mistake. One that they feel they can’t come back from. They’ll remember how secure they felt in their parents’ home and ultimately know it was an overflow from their fathers love. They’ll remember the only person they can control is themselves and have a tool box full of strategies that allow them to roll with chaos and change because Lord knows life is full of both of those.
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