My oldest daughter had a friend over the other day and a small incident happened that made me stop to think about perspective.
My daughters friend was playing with Bugs’ new toy and couldn’t get it to work so she began to swing it angrily. My daughter runs over and raises her voice saying, “If you break that my mommy is going to be very angry with you!”
As you can imagine the response was not a good one from her friend, she yelled back…cue child meltdown on both ends.
I could have reprimanded both of them, as both were wronging each other, but I paused and found the truths they were both seeing. This brings me to my “step one” in changing your perspective:
Find the truths
I know, before you tell me, well there really is only one truth. I understand that perspective. In reality both girls are seeing their own truths and if I’m going to help the situation and not hurt it I have to get them to see the others truths.
It works the same for us in our relationships. Our marriage, parenting, our friends, our extended family. We have to be able to see their truth if we want to know how to respond next.
You see the truth my daughter missed was that her friend was acting out of frustration and really needed help or a strategy to get out of it. On the contrary, what my daughter’s friend missed, was that my daughter was upset that her new toy was on the verge of being broken.
They were both so clouded by their own truths and emotions that they missed their friends pain. Sound familiar? It does to me and rings true for situations I find myself in with others.
After, I found the truths for them I pulled my own daughter over first. I wanted to work backwards with them. She was still so emotionally driven, pulling her out of it was a task. Ha! Which brings me in what to do next:
Get your emotions in check
Y’all, I am emotionally driven person so me saying this is something I STRUGGLE with. I am constantly checking my emotions in various ways. I have tons of strategies but my daughter is four and just isn’t there yet, because, you know…she’s four.
I pulled my daughter over and I simply said, “What should be more important to you, your toy or your friend?”
Notice I didn’t say, “what is more important…” and there is a reason. You have to know your audience and if you know a lot of 3 and 4 year olds you know I probably would have swallowed my words. I didn’t give her the option to say her toys were more important because she may have just said that out of anger, frustration, or the fact that she’s four and really does love her toys. (We’re working on this!)
Despite all of that she does know what should be more important so she reluctantly said, “her friends name”
This opened the door for me to share with her her friends truth. I was able to help calm her emotions enough to change and redirect them enough to see her friends truth. The fact that her friend was so frustrated that she did a strategy she had, which was to swing the thing until it opened. Which very well would have worked eventually. Just not the way she was thinking. Once Bug saw her friends truth she was incredibly open to helping her friend work through her frustration.
Next I brought my daughters friend over, I got down on her level and I said “Why did you swing the toy? Was it because you were so happy?”
This brought on a very puzzled look with eyes that said, “well, that’s ridiculous.”
She was then able to express her own emotions and get help to work through a new strategy. I was able to share my daughter’s truth with her and she was able to see this whole breakdown from them in a new light.
No one got reprimanded, though both apologized for their behavior. Both were able to see someone else’s truth and reflect on their own actions and reactions.
So lastly:
Do Some Self Evaluation
This one is pretty cut and dry. Before you choose to react to someone harshly, find the truths, get your emotions in check and self evaluate before responding.
Is what you’re saying truly helping?
Are your priorities correct? Had my daughter said her toys should be more important I would have had a bigger fish to fry. I would have handled it differently.
Are you speaking convicting words or hurtful words? There is a HUGE difference guys.
Are you building someone up or tearing them down?
You see when Jesus came, he understood something that we have trouble wrapping our head around. He deeply understood the innate differences we have as human beings. He had the bigger picture in mind at all times. He understood this so deeply that he was able to reach a multitude of people and he still is today.
So next time you have a run in with your spouse, your kids, your parents, someone of a different faith, basically someone who is thinking differently than you, find the truths… Get your emotions in check… do some self evaluation… and shift your perspective.
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