Having kids in our home has been really eye opening and convicting on the words we use with them and each other. We want to create a safe environment where they know Jesus and the love He has for them. Which is why we have stopped using the words “I’m sorry” and are now working towards using the word “but” correctly.
A very wise man who helped us through a very tough spot in our marriage made a point to me, a point which we have implemented since. This is more or less how he put it, “do you find I’m sorry in the Bible? No. You find Jesus calling people to ask for forgiveness.” From then on we began to try and weed out saying I’m sorry. We now use the verbiage “It’s time to ask for forgiveness” or “ok, you need to ask sister if she can forgive you.” or “Sweetie, can you please forgive me for letting my frustration get the best of me.” It shifted the way we speak to and forgive one another in our household. It Still slips up in our house but it is becoming less and less.
Which is why we are now reevaluating the word “but” in our house. Biblically, Jesus used the word but to make a contrast between two things. For example He uses it when discussing jewish law and the new covenant through Him. There was a stark contrast that needed to be made and He made it. Also by definition it is a conjunction used to contrast what was already stated.
The other day our baby bear hurt herself because she was running around too fast after I had told her to slow down. She came running to me and I hugged her then the words I most regret came out:
“I’m sorry you hurt yourself but you need to stop running.”
What I had inadvertently told her was slowing down is more important right now than your hurt. As well as the fact that even though I said I was sorry I use a word that indicates I am contrasting that apology anyway. It was awful on all accounts.
We tend to use the word ‘but’ when we want to believe we are apologizing or validating someones feelings. Let me give you a few examples:
“I’m sorry you’re upset but that was not my intention.”
“I’m sorry but you’re wrong.”
“I know it’s frustrating but you need to see it from another side.”
What if instead those phrases looked like:
“I know you’re upset. It was not my intention to hurt you. How can we fix it?”
“This is is how I see it…”
“I can see how frustrating it is for you and I understand. This is how I am seeing it”
Those statements just became way less condescending. Way more validating and way more helpful to communication. If we’re not sorry, if we’re not asking for forgiveness can we stop saying I’m sorry? Can we stop using but after an apology and be more sincere?
Can we begin to validate our kids emotions so we can better equip them to overcome the tough ones with Jesus? Can we begin to validate each others emotions so we can better communicate and be Jesus’ hands and feet to one another? We all have emotions. I feel frustration, anxiety, worry, all of the above. Jesus doesn’t tell me he’s sorry but I need to stop. He tells me to cast them to him. Period. No apologies for my emotions, no buts to tell me otherwise. Just the truth.
We were made in Gods image. We carry the emotions we carry because of the hands that made us. However, the way we carry those emotions can be sinful. It is very clear biblically that God can overcome them for us. That we can cast them to him that we have a spirit of self control. What if we began to use language in our homes that supported that very message. The message that God sees your anger, your frustration, your sorrow. He sees it and says, “cast them to me.” No but about it.
What if we mirrored that to our children? To our spouse? to our friends?
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