I forget that I can still sometimes feel broken.
That a part of me isn’t here.
But with no notice at all, the waves rise all around.
Back when you felt closer, when things were really in the trenches, there was a bit more completeness. There was little time between when you were here and when you weren’t, It made things feel complete.
Or so I thought.
The further I get from that roller coaster day, the more I panic you’re farther than before. There is this lie that wants to inch it’s way in that says the farther we get from that day, the farther we get from you.
In the midst of that panic the thoughts of what maybe would have been like to line themselves up in my thoughts,
Maybe you would have….
There’s a lot of maybes that live in my heart and every year those maybes grow, because every year is another year I see you in.
But with the ever growing list of maybes there’s one certainty, the certainty that fights the lie of being farther from you. The certainty that wins out every time.
That truth is that every added maybe is another moment I’m closer to you. As I am sanctified in the here and now, as the Lord reveals more of himself to me each day, I’m that much closer to you.
I’ve found that if I cling to the truth of the kingdom while adding to the maybes, I don’t get lost. Instead I get closer to the courts of my God where you sit praising.
I end up living in the joyful tension of being closer to you and loving where we are right now.
The other evening we had people over. People we know but didn’t really know until after dinner. They let us talk about you freely. Share who you are and my heart, though sad, found joy in sharing how much you brought heaven to earth.
One of them pulled me aside after and said thank you. He said that when he looked at our family he saw us so full of joy and togetherness within the kingdom. He would have never guessed how much we’ve walked through and continue to walk through. But he thanked me for our vulnerability, for the gift of our humanity within the church.
I’ve sat on that comment since he said it. I’ve sat on it and thought about you and Jesus within that context.
One of my earliest prayers when we lost you was that people would just see Jesus. They wouldn’t see me broken but whole because I know the truth that that’s how God sees me.
And despite how I FEEL sometimes God has done it over and over and over. Through my writing, through Joey and I sharing your little life with others in the most perfect time and setting.
I’m learning that God is taking the hurt and what ifs that come almost daily and turning them into beauty for us and for others.
Two years later and I still cry but two years later, Gods still using your little life for His big moves. He’s still turning eyes back toward Him.
One of my biggest prayers over your sisters is that their life would point others to our God. That they would know just how much they carry the light of Messiah in them.
And in Gods great design I get to say that prayer for all of my sweet littles, including you E. It’s one less what if or how would that feel if you were here. I still get to say that prayer over your life and it makes my heart soar. What a gift.
God is faithfully answering the prayer of allowing us to shine Jesus to others wholly. And I know He’ll faithfully fulfill my prayer over your life as well.
I imagine I would have called you little man…. so keep heaven warm for us little man.
We love ya big.
Lord, May Enochs life continue to point others to you. May your light forever shine through him, through his name. Thank you for the gift of one less what if, one less thing that I have to wonder about. Thank you for the gift of being able to pray this over his little life now and forever. May your joy and love be magnified through our sweet baby boy.
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